


Please just look me in my face (Tell me everything's okay)

by DistractionCake



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2016-08-21
Packaged: 2018-08-10 01:56:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7825675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DistractionCake/pseuds/DistractionCake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>PREVIEW:</p><p>"She feels useless, unable to step up and be as productive in the midst of grief as Alison has, not able to be as comforting as she feels Emily needs, not able to be as astute as she feels her response should be. She's just… there. She hopes that's enough for Emily." </p><p> </p><p>SUMMARY:</p><p>↳Canon-Compliant!AU (shh it's a thing) of the Time Jump, wherein Spencer/Emily happens instead of Spencer/Caleb. (And all the messiness in between that would have to happen for that to work out.) :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Please just look me in my face (Tell me everything's okay)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dubcliq](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dubcliq/gifts).



> Hello! This is my first time ever posting fic in AO3. You proud of me yet, world? :') fyi my [crossposting-in-progress] from ffnet is happening, so expect more from me soon over here. ANYWAY. This was supposed to be a simple Spencer/Emily prompt fill, but it ran away from me and turned into a full-blown fic. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ For continuity's sake, I'm calling this a canon-compliant!AU of the time jump period. I think you'll know what I mean once you read it. Hope you all enjoy! Thanks :)
> 
> Disclaimer: Title of the fic comes from Flume's song "Never Be Like You" feat. Kai. I don't own PLL. I don't have a beta.
> 
> ALSO: THIS IS FOR YOU JAY. Ahem. <3

 

 

 

* * *

 

She's feeling triumphant as she watches her computer start up. Having successfully broken into her own dorm room after misplacing her keys, again, Spencer hums a small tune as she sits at her desk.

In another world, she'd be a little ashamed that the first thing she does is log into Facebook, but really - if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

(In another world, she'd still be too afraid. Too consumed by **-A** to even give social media a second thought, but two years of therapy - three out from Rosewood - and Spencer feels like her _I'm fine, no really_ 's are slowly becoming less a lie and more a reality.)

_If lying was a crime, we'd all be in jail_

Spencer scrolls through her newsfeed until -

**Emily Fields**

14 mins ·

My mother and I thank you all for your condolences. My father's service will be held this weekend -

Spencer swears her heart stops at that precise moment.

She goes over the words over and over again, until they don't make sense anymore. Until it's just a bunch of symbols on her screen. She picks up her phone, unlocking it, just as it suddenly starts to vibrate in her hand.

Hanna's picture fills up her screen.

Spencer let's out a small pained laugh - she was just about to do the same thing.

"Hello?"

"Are you going?"

"What?"

"To the service. Are you going?" Hanna repeats, and Spencer swears she hears her eye-roll across the phone.

"I didn't know."

"What?"

"I just saw, I didn't know."

"What do you mean 'you didn't know'?"

"When did you find out?" Spencer asks, still reeling from the news.

"Spence…" Hanna trails off, her voice softening. "It happened two days ago. My mom called me, apparently she ran into Ella, who had spoken to Pam. Your mom didn't call you? It's all over town."

"She didn't," Spencer replies, closing her eyes and swallowing down her frustration at her family.

_How do you feel about your family? In a general sense._

_I'd do anything for them._

_Yes, but out of a sense of duty or out of a sense of love?_

_I don't...I don't understand the question, doctor._

"I'm sorry. It's...whatever, you know now," Hanna's voice snaps her back into the present, "And what's important is, are you going? Because I can't make it," Hanna continues.

"Hanna, Emily's dad died," Spencer scoffs in disbelief. " _Emily's._ "

"I know that," Hanna snaps angrily. "But the internship I'm working on this semester is a big deal, Spencer. We have a meeting in Madrid this weekend and I'm one of the two people picked to come help the designer. This could make my career, I can't just miss it."

"Does Emily know?" Spencer asks, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"Yes. My mom and Caleb will be there. And I'm flying to Rosewood as soon as I get back from Europe. So, are you?"

"Of course, I -" Spencer cuts herself off, as she catches sight of the calendar above her desk. "Fuck, I have a compulsory meeting about the semester abroad I'm doing during the spring."

"Dammit," Hanna responds. "Aria said she can't go."

"Why the hell not?" Spencer asks, yet again in disbelief. Emily's father has passed away and none of them can make it?

"Something about Boston messing up with the credits she transferred from SCAD or whatever. Spencer, we can't just all bail. Someone has to be there for her."

Spencer glances at her calendar again.

Emily's dad just died.

"I'll be there. I'll find a way."

 

* * *

 

She's pissed.

After all her meticulous planning and rearranging and her insane amount of spending, here she is: landing in Philly just as the sun begins to set. Her delayed flight causing her to have missed the entire service.

_I should have driven_ , she bitterly thinks. _Why didn't I drive?_

As she walks outside of the airport, she releases a sigh of relief - her first one all day.

_At least some things worked out._

"Hey. Thank you for coming to pick me up."

"Of course," Caleb answers.

(Somehow Skype calls with Hanna had turned into Skype calls with Hanna and Caleb, which had turned into texts with Caleb, which had turned into a genuine friendship not tethered through either Hanna or Toby. It's moments like this that she's grateful for that.)

_Isn't this what we were planning for? Eventually?_

_I don't know. I hadn't thought that far ahead. I haven't even made up my yet mind about grad school._

_Well, have you - have you made up your mind up about me?_

The two of them get into Caleb's car as he starts off the ride back to Rosewood.

"Did you let Emily know about my flight?"

"Yes," he nods.

"How'd she take it?"

"She was pretty understanding."

"She's too understanding," Spencer mutters as she glances down at her phone. She can't quite believe this major fuckup.

"Hey," Caleb says softly, his hand reaching over to cover hers. "You're here. That's what matters."

"I'm late, Caleb."

"At least you tried," Caleb answers, unable to mask the bitterness in his tone as he pulls his hand back to the wheel.

Spencer turns to look at him, raising an eyebrow.

"We broke up. Just before she left to get on her flight," Caleb responds.

"I'm so sorry," Spencer says, surprised. "Does Emily know?"

"Yes, because her father's funeral is the perfect place to let her know Hanna and I broke up."

"Sorry, that was dumb," she replies. Her head is spinning, so much is changing she doesn't even know what she's supposed to say.

Of course Caleb wouldn't go up to Emily to talk about the breakup. His earlier texts, confirming again that Spencer was coming, make more sense now; he needed a friend. Still, Spencer is at a loss for what she's supposed to say or do now.

"No, I'm sorry," Caleb sighs. "That was rude. And no, Emily doesn't know. I doubt Hanna has told her and well, you're only the second person I've told."

Spencer nods as she looks at the road ahead. "Who was first?"

"Toby. We were talking earlier, so."

A small silence engulfs the car. Spencer looks out the window and considers just how different their lives are now - how fractured they are from each other.

"This wasn't… It was a long time coming," Caleb breaks the silence. "Not being able to go to dinner with me, I get. Working like crazy just to impress some rich snobs, I don't like, but I get. But this? Missing her best friend's father's funeral? I just..." Caleb shakes his head.

"Things have changed," Spencer responds quietly.

"Yeah, they have," Caleb answers back, just as softly. "There's a bonfire thing happening at the Fields's. Toby and the local PD are throwing it in the Colonel's honor. We should head there."

"Can we drop my stuff off at the barn first?"

"Sure."

 

* * *

 

"Spencer!"

Spencer hears her mother call her name just as she's crossing the yard to get back to the car. She turns and waits for her mother to reach her. They share a brief hug, before Veronica pulls away.

"How was your flight?"

"Delayed."

Veronica sighs, "It was a lovely service. Wayne Fields was a good man. I think the whole town was there for him. Emily will understand."

Spencer looks away.

Because to Spencer, it doesn't matter who was there, but who _wasn't_. Aria. Hanna. Herself. Spencer understands school commitments and career opportunities and even breakups. But this? This... _drifting away_ from each other…

_This is really hard._

_I'm sorry, I'm not trying to make it harder. It's just...I feel like, when we're picturing our future together, we're not looking at the same picture anymore._

"I have to go. Caleb's waiting."

"Right," her mother nods.

"I'll be back later," she says with a strained smile.

 

* * *

 

As they pull up to the Fields's house, Spencer is both surprised and unsurprised to see Emily by herself on the porch.

She and Caleb walk up to the house and as they approach Emily's eyes leave the beer bottle in her hand to look at them.

"Welcome. Toby's in the back," she says.

Spencer isn't really sure to whom she's directing that.

Caleb nods and walks past her to the house, leaving them alone.

Spencer moves to sit down next to her. They sit quietly for a few minutes, as Spencer mulls over the appropriate thing to say. She finally settles on a classic _I'm sorry, Em_ feeling like a total asshole as she voices the words.

"It's okay. It's not like _you_ made his heart give out," Emily states, pointing her beer at her before taking a swig of it.

Spencer takes a deep breath as she takes in Emily's state. The girl is clearly not sober, but there's no way for Spencer to know just how far gone she is. "Is Paige here?" She asks, because she honestly can't imagine the other girl would leave Emily out here on her own for too long.

"No. We broke up."

"What? When?" Spencer asks, her head spinning yet again from all this new information.

"Before the semester started. She offered to fly out with me, but I told her to stay. This isn't her responsibility."

Before Emily can continue, the front door opens up behind them.

Alison walks out, a plate of food in one hand, a glass of water in the other.

"Oh. You made it," Alison comments. Her voice comes out with the same sort of enthusiasm she would use to comment on the weather. _Oh look, it's going to rain._ She moves to stand in front of both of them.

Spencer can only give her a weak smile in return.

_Alison, how had I not thought of her at all before this?_

"Here." She attempts to hand Emily the plate, but Emily makes no move to grab it. Alison sighs, "Em, you haven't eaten anything all day."

"You don't have to do this," Emily responds.

"Do what?" Alison asks.

"The good girlfriend act. For that, you'd _actually_ have to be my girlfriend," Emily snarks as she takes another big swig of her beer.

Spencer's eyes widen. She knows their history, or rather, what Emily and Alison have allowed her and the other girls to know. She knows that for them, their relationship-tinged friendship is different than any other combination of people in their group. Complicated in a way Spencer's sure she'd never be able to untangle even if she had years to do it. There's too much kept between them for her to ever fully understand everything.

_She's not dangerous, she's hurt._  
_I'm sorry, what?_  
_She doesn't want me to tell you._  
_Oh no, of course she doesn't. It's always the same with you two, isn't it?_

"And whose fault is that?"

Spencer almost chokes on her own spit, because that is _so_ not what she thought Alison's reply would be.

"I can give you some names. Probably would run out of fingers in my hands though," Emily responds.

Alison clenches her jaw. "You're hurting and I'm the easy target. But you should sober up before you say something you'll really regret," Alison warns, as she all but shoves the plate and glass at Spencer and walks back into the house.

Emily sighs and rubs at her face, "I should apologize." She sets her beer down and goes to stand, but Spencer manages to get the plate into her hands before she does. "Eat first."

Emily nods as she takes a bite of the hamburger.

"She's been helping my mom out these last few days. I...didn't know what I was supposed to do," Emily confesses.

"It's okay, Em." Spencer responds, because she can't imagine how lost Emily must feel right now, in more ways than one.

"Mrs. Marin and Mrs. Montgomery were at the service. Both gave me these long hugs, like they were apologizing for their daughters not being here."

Spencer swallows as she feels the guilt creep up her throat like bile, "I'm sorry."

"You know, I thought I was used to loss. Like, I _knew_ what that felt like. Alison, Maya." Emily lets out a humorless laugh. "What a world we live in, where we think we can identify loss like we can identify hunger."

Spencer opens and closes her mouth, unable to formulate a response to that.

Emily laughs bitterly again and gestures toward her plate, "I think Alison had the same idea."

Spencer just stares as Emily continues to eat.

She feels useless, unable to step up and be as productive in the midst of grief as Alison has, not able to be as comforting as she feels Emily needs, not able to be as astute as she feels her response should be. She's just… there. She hopes that's enough for Emily.

_It's Spencer. I texted her about your dad.  
Hey. Please don't send me away._

It's a few minutes later, when Alison pops out again.

"Em, your Mom is looking for you. She wants you to give a toast."

Spencer moves to help Emily up, who to her credit barely stumbles, and the two of them follow Alison to the backyard.

Emily lifts up a new beer bottle before speaking, "Wayne Fields was a kind and courageous man. He believed in fighting for good and asking for help when you needed it." Emily's smile takes a far away look as she remembers his words.

_If you need help you ask for it, alright? There's nothing to be ashamed about._

"He was a supportive and loving father and I will miss him very much." Her voice begins to crack as she clears her throat to finish, "I just hope I can make him proud some day. To the best father in this town." Everyone clinks their glasses together, as Emily mutters the end of her speech, "not that there was ever much competition."

 

* * *

 

Later that night, as Spencer walks out of the bathroom, she bumps into Alison exiting the master bedroom.

"I convinced Mrs. Fields that she needed a nap," Alison explains as she gestures to the now closed door.

"You're really good at this," Spencer responds and she feels like kicking herself. How is commenting on someone's funeral decorum a compliment?

"Thank you," Alison responds, taking it in stride. She glances back at the room before speaking again, "You know, whenever he'd check on us in Emily's room, it was always _Emmy Bear and Ali Cat_." Alison pauses, a fond smile on her lips. "He was always so sweet."

"One time, he and Em showed up to one of my field hockey games. He held up this sign Emily made for the entire game," Spencer shares.

Alison laughs softly at her story. They stand there quietly, the chatter from downstairs filling up the space, until Alison speaks again. "Aria and Hanna should have been here. I mean, if it was my father I get it. Hell, if it was _yours_ I get it. But this...this was Mr. Fields."

"I know," Spencer responds, because she does. Emily was right, there wasn't ever much competition.

"I'm going to start clearing everybody out."

"Okay."

 

* * *

 

Spencer's moving around collecting trash in the living room as she sees Toby and Emily hug by the stairs. It's intimate in a way, their friendship always having been a note in Spencer's mind. Like a reference you visit to try to understand what you're reading. As they pull apart and Emily heads up the stairs, Toby walks up to her. "Hey, when do you head back?"

"Um, day after tomorrow."

"Can we talk before you leave?"

Spencer agrees, his boyish smile hard to refuse even still to this day.

It's not much longer when Caleb comes to speak to her.

"Kitchen's all clean."

"Thanks," Spencer smiles at him.

"No problem. I'm heading out, you want me to drop you off at yours?"

"Where are you staying?"

"The Bed and Breakfast. It was the only place available on such short notice," he jams his hands in his pockets and sways in place, shrugging as nonchalantly as possible.

"Right," Spencer nods. They broke up, so obviously Caleb wouldn't be staying at the Marin's. And last she heard, the Radley was still under construction, renovations, whatever. Spencer shudders at the thought.

"It's cool, I'm headed back to NYC tomorrow to...I don't know." He scratches his cheek. "To find out what I'm supposed to do next, I guess."

"Okay," Spencer nods. "Let me just say bye to Emily."

"Okay," Caleb nods as Spencer begins to ascend the stairs. She stops, briefly, and turns to face Caleb once more. She ponders the tangled webs that still connect them all. "I'm still your friend, you know." She can't articulate why, as seems to be the case regarding everything in this visit, but she feels it's important to let Caleb know.

Maybe her equilibrium is just off or Rosewood's propensity to seem like a Twilight Zone-town becomes more apparent with time and distance.

"I know." He gives her a soft smile.

Spencer shakes herself free of her musings, before continuing on her walk upstairs.

However, she freezes as she reaches the landing.

"Stay?" Emily softly whispers, leaning against her own closed bedroom door. She has one arm wrapped around herself as the other is reaching towards Alison's own, beginning to play with the other girl's fingers.

Alison starts to lean into her.

_What are you saying? You think that I'm scared to get close to Ali again?_

_Do you still have feelings for her?_

_I don't know….I really don't._

Spencer turns before she has to see any more.

 

* * *

 

The following day, Spencer enjoys some brunch at home before her dad invites her to the club to play a match.

Spencer agrees, despite not having any clothes for it.

She briefly wonders if the guilt will subside the moment she leaves Rosewood's city limits.

_How do you feel about your family? In a general sense._  
_I'd do anything for them._  
_Yes, but out of a sense of duty or out of a sense of love?_  
_I don't...I don't understand the question, doctor._  
_Well, duty implies that you're doing it because you think it's what you're supposed to do. Love implies that you're doing it because you want to.  
_ _Can it be both?_

 

* * *

 

Later that night, she decides to swing by Emily's place to say goodbye before she heads back to D.C.

She finds Emily on her porch. Again. Drinking. Again.

"You know, if you keep doing that you might get a nickname."

"Like what?"

"I don't know, like Stoop Kid."

"Really, Spence?" A smile threatens to show on her face.

"I said I don't know," Spencer shrugs as she sits next to Emily.

"When are you leaving?" Emily asks, after they've sat in silence for a few minutes.

"Tomorrow morning. You?"

"I don't know," Emily responds as she plays with the label on her beer. "My mom's three sleeping pills in. I just…" Emily trails off.

"Where's Alison?" She asks, as she notices how quiet it is inside Emily's house.

"She missed her playdate with Charlotte yesterday, so she's probably making up for it today," Emily answers as she moves to drink from her beer again.

Without thinking, Spencer's hand shoots out and takes a hold of her wrist.

"Please, stop," Spencer pleads quietly. She knows in the past she herself has resorted to drugs and alcohol. She remember Hanna doing the same. Aria has always resorted to rage. And Emily? Spencer remembers Emily's drunken anger the most for some reason. Spencer knows she herself has made some progress, with the help of therapy. She wonders, not for the first time, if Emily has ever spoken to someone. She knows Hanna has, while Aria claims her art is enough of an outlet. Emily has never said one way or the other.

Spencer glances up to the other girl's face and sees Emily staring intently at her. A look on her face Spencer has _never_ seen.

It confuses her. After years of friendship, is it possible to still find new places in a person?

"Make me," Emily responds her gaze lowering.

Oh _. Oh_. Spencer thinks.

It's a challenge. And Spencer has never known how to back down from a challenge in her life.

_If a Hastings has a shot, she takes a shot._

She releases Emily's hand and doesn't think as she takes a hold of Emily's face.

Spencer kisses her. _Hard_.

Emily kisses her back. And god, even tasting like beer, Emily is a great kisser. It's wrong. So wrong. Spencer knows this, she knows Emily is grieving and has been drinking and is not in the right head space at all. But then Emily pulls back panting and suggests her bedroom and Spencer feels like she never even had a chance.

 

* * *

 

She sneaks out as the sun starts to rise, leaving behind a naked Emily under the sheets.

She stops to catch her breath a few houses down. She takes in deep gulps of air as she tries to steady her heart. And her guilt. She checks her watch.

Her flight is in three hours.

She glances at the house she stopped in front of and can't help the humorless laugh that escapes her lips.

It's the old Cavanaugh house.

She never even talked to Toby.

 

* * *

 

She and Emily don't speak again until one morning, a few months later, in March. Spencer's been living in London, the semester abroad she had always dreamed about finally happening. She's just about to head to lunch, when the call comes through.

Spencer hesitates for only a second before answering.

"Hello."

"Heyy." And even in that one word, Spencer can tell that something is off.

She quickly does the math in her head.

"Where are you?"

"Getting off of work."

"It's 3 am in California. The coffee shop - "

"I don't work at the coffee shop anymore. I work at a bar. My tits get great tips," she snorts.

"Emily..."

"I failed, Spence," she says, suddenly sounding more serious.

"Failed what?"

"My classes. Two of them. I-I-I I dropped out."

"Em," Spencer's heart aches.

"I'm a failure, Spencer," Emily sniffs. "And I'm running out of money and - "

"I can lend you some," Spencer says and realizes not a second later that it was the wrong thing to say.

"I'm not your charity case. I can figure this out. I mean, a pity fuck was one thing, but money? Just, forget it. I don't even know why I called. I'm drunk and horny and I thought your voice -"

"Emily," Spencer cuts her off firmly. "Tell me what you need." And Spencer can't quite believe what she's about to do. Still, somehow she knows, she _knows_ this is what she needs to do. This is how she can help.

"Just. Just talk," Emily stutters out.

"What should I say?" Spencer bites her lip as she tries to stop her brain from processing and just act.

"Anything."

"I thought about you. When you first came out. About you and Ali."

Emily's breathing becomes more labored.

"The two of you together, I got so wet."

"Fuck, Spence."

Spencer moves from her desk over to her bed. She feels the blush covering her cheeks at her admission, something her 16 year-old self had sworn to take to the grave with her.

"We have."

"I know," Spencer doesn't know why she has to try to make it sound unaffected.

"You do?"

"The night of the funeral."

"Oh. No, we didn't that night. She just...she held me."

Spencer closes her eyes at the visual that produces. Somehow she's not surprised that Emily likes to be the little spoon.

"Oh? Then when?"

"When she first came back. The night before the explosion at Toby's."

"Oh." Spencer briefly recalls Hanna's words.

_Are they together now?_

_Have you been drinking again?_

_I had one sip of beer._

"Shit. I don't - I don't want to think about her. I've gotten off way too many times to the thought of her. Alison no longer gets to do that to me."

Spencer clenches her jaw at the feeling those words produce, the one she's trying to tamp down, the one she's trying to not name. Because she _does_ know, no matter if she wants to admit it to herself or not, she knows why she's pretending to be unaffected by this entire exchange.

She also briefly wonders how mortified a sober Emily would be at her uncharacteristic frankness about her sex life - or solo sex life as is the case.

Which only spurs Spencer on and _god I'm going to hell._

"Have you gotten off to the thought of me?"

"No. I.." Emily sighs. "You, Aria, Hanna. I could never. It wouldn't have been right."

"But you wanted to?"

"Spencer," Emily warns.

"I'm just trying to get a full picture here."

"Why?"

"Because you're calling me now," Spencer admits. Because she doesn't know where this leaves them. Where do you stand when your best friend calls you up for phone sex? Are you suddenly fuck buddies? Friends with benefits? And not to mention, your best friend also happens to be of the same gender as you. And is a lack of gay panic normal? Or is it masked under the regular panic that's causing Spencer's guilt at the moment?

"Things change," Emily quietly answers, snapping Spencer back into the moment.

"Yeah, I guess they do," Spencer swallows as they both go quiet.

"Spence?"

"Yeah?"

"Keep talking."

And Spencer does.

 

* * *

 

Months later, a lot of things have changed and a lot of things have stayed the same.

When Spencer hears her name being called across a train platform in Spain of all places, she thinks she might be going insane. She looks up and spots Caleb on the other side of the platform.

Spencer decides not to overthink the serendipity of it all and just smiles.

 

* * *

 

It's a bit of a whirlwind reconnecting, their friendship having taken a pause after the funeral as Caleb went off to find himself. It's nice to enjoy time with someone as they run around unbidden through the streets of Madrid. Her head has been filled with nothing but constant fun since that fateful day at the train station, so that when her phone begins to ring one night as they're at a bar with a group of people from the hostel they're staying at, she feels caught off guard and...guilty.

"Hi," she answers breathlessly as she steps outside.

"Hey. You out?" Emily surmises, the noisy street a dead giveaway.

"Yeah, just at a bar. What's up?"

"Who are you with?" Emily asks.

She sounds genuinely curious, and it's this that makes Spencer feel even guiltier. All of their sporadic phone conversations these last few months have been...directly to the point. But for some reason, here is Emily actually starting a conversation this time.

"Uh, just some people from the hostel. And Caleb."

"Caleb?" Emily asks confused.

"Yeah, he's been backpacking through Europe and we just, we just ran into each other at the train station the other day and isn't that crazy?" Spencer sort of rambles. And she hates, she hates that it sounds like she's making up excuses.

"Yeah. Crazy."

Spencer closes her eyes and sighs, "Em."

"It's cool, Spence. Enjoy your night."

"I don't -" Spencer cuts in just before Emily can hang up.

"You don't what?"

"I don't want to end this conversation like this."

"Well, unless you're into public phone sex, I don't think this is going to end the same way it usually does," Emily snorts.

"That's not what I meant and you know it."

"What did you mean then?"

"That I don't want to end this conversation angry."

"Who's angry? I called, you're busy- "

"You didn't call for that," Spencer cuts off exasperated. She doesn't want to play these games, not with Emily.

"And what makes you think that?"

Spencer bites the bullet, "Because you're sober."

A beat passes.

"Fuck you, Spencer," and Emily's hurt tone of voice makes Spencer instantly feel bad.

"That's not- that's not what I meant," she tries to course correct, because she's not trying to take a shot at Emily's drinking per se, it's just an observation. She's in no position to take some perceived moral high-ground.

"Then please, by all accounts, tell me what you mean."

"Why does this conversation make me feel guilty?" Spencer asks, trying to stop the tears she feels building up in her eyes.

"I don't know, Spencer. Why does it?"

"Because it feels like I'm cheating on you."

"We'd have to be together for that to be true and we're not. So, you're free to fuck whoever you want, although you might want to tell Hanna before you turn her into Melissa."

It's a low blow and Spencer knows that that more than anything is a sign that Emily's hurting, because she wouldn't have taken it there otherwise.

"Stop," she says firmly. Two can play at that game. "I'm not Alison, don't take cheap shots at me."

She's expecting a retort or a scoff, hell maybe even Emily hanging up. What she's not expecting is the silence that follows.

By pure force of will, Spencer pushes this forward, "Are you hooking up with anyone?"

"Why does that matter?" Emily asks, sounding defeated.

"Just answer the question."

"No, I'm not. I haven't since.." Emily trails off.

"Since when?" Spencer asks softly.

"Since you."

Spencer closes her eyes and tries her hardest to figure out what the right thing to do here is. But her head hurts, she's been drinking, and dammit if her heart won't just quit while she's ahead.

"I'd rather be out here in this noisy street taking this call than inside that bar. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

A beat passes before Emily's quiet voice comes through again, "I have to go."

"Emily," Spencer pleads and _fuck_ if her self-respect just went out the window, into the street, and got run over by a damn taxi.

"I'd rather be on this phone call too," Emily confesses.

"Then don't hang up."

"We have to."

"Why?"

"Because this isn't right," Emily answers, sounding tired yet completely in control of her emotions.

"Says who?"

"Your conscience and mine."

"Emily, please." Spencer knows that Emily's right, that they're going about this in all the wrong ways, that they're hurting each other and maybe even taking advantage of each other's vulnerabilities to a certain degree. But that doesn't erase years of friendship, that doesn't erase that they care about each other. That there's no malice in their actions, that yeah they've fucked up the start, but they can still work this out somehow. Spencer's sure they can.

Or at least, she wants to believe they can.

"Let's just...When you get back to the states call me and we'll… I don't know..."

"We'll figure it out."

"Yeah, that."

"Say it, Emily."

"We'll figure it out, Spencer."

"Okay."

"Okay."

 

* * *

 

Spencer walks back into the bar, claims having a migraine and heads back to the hostel.

She cries herself to sleep and just hopes that she's right, that there's still some way to fix this.

 

* * *

 

She calls Hanna the following morning.

"Bonjour!" She cheerily greets.

Spencer pulls out her tablet and begins to search flights.

"I can be in Paris this afternoon."

"What? Also, how did you know I'm here, Spencer? You're being big brain scary again."

Spencer lets out a small laugh and she knows she made the right move in calling her.

"Because I know you and you just greeted me in french. I'm in Spain."

"Spain?"

"I'll explain later, meet you for dinner?"

 

* * *

 

"A vacation in Spain after spending the entire semester in England, lucky you," Hanna teases, her mischievous smile hiding behind her glass of wine. "So, tell me. What was so important that it required a visit to my work rather than a phone call? You're lucky by the way, I'm headed back to New York tomorrow."

"I bumped into Caleb."

This wipes the smile off of Hanna's face, as she lowers her glass, "Oh?"

"We've been having a great time together, seeing the city and meeting new people, trying all sorts of food." Spencer can't help the smile that comes to her face as she recounts it, because it has indeed been the most carefree she's felt in a long time.

"Did you have sex with him?" Hanna asks, no trace of judgement in her voice, but the pain in her eyes poorly concealed.

"No."

"Did you want to?"

"Yes, but I don't think it would have been for the right reasons."

"And what would have been the right reasons?"

"I don't think I even _know_ what would have been the right reasons," Spencer answers honestly. This draws a small smile to Hanna's face.

"Look, if you're into him-"

"I had sex with Emily," Spencer rushes to confess.

"What? When?" And all trace of understanding vanishes from Hanna's face, leaving clear anger in its place.

"The day after the funeral."

"Spencer! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

Spencer flinches at what she knows to be a well deserved reprimand, "She was upset and drinking and I wanted her to stop-"

"So you chose to stop her with your mouth? Did your arms quit working? Or did you use those too?"

"Hanna-"

"No, this is _wrong_. It's one thing to develop feelings for my ex, it's another to fuck our best friend - our grieving best friend!" Hanna continues, on a roll now. "What the hell, Spencer?!"

"I know."

"Are you even gay?"

"I don't think that matters at this point," Spencer says wryly, trying to defuse the Hanna-bomb in her presence.

"I fucking do, Emily doesn't deserve to be jerked around."

"Don't," Spencer says not willing to let it go there.

"Don't what?"

"Don't try to take the moral high ground when you weren't even there. Her father _died_ and you weren't there."

Hanna stops then and looks away guiltily. Their heated argument tempered, as Hanna goes on to speak in a much calmer tone, "Neither was Aria."

Spencer sighs as she admits a painful truth, "Aria isn't our friend anymore, not really. We can pretend her Facebook and Instagram likes are a thing, but neither of us has had an actual conversation with her in years. She's pulled away."

It hurts, and Spencer knows it's something else she needs to work on. Team Sparia fell by the wayside and she'd feel worse if she didn't know that Aria has pushed them all away in a bid to work on herself. It's part of the reason why Spencer hasn't done anything - she's waiting for Aria to give the green light.

"She needed it, we all did," Hanna comments.

"Well, now I'm being pulled back in."

"Spencer," Hanna sighs.

"I think I want to be with her."

"God," Hanna says rubbing at her eyes.

"We've been having irregular phone sex for the last couple of months."

"I don't even-" Hanna says flailing her arms about, but Spencer continues undeterred by her outbursts.

"And then last night, she called when I was out with Caleb and I realized -"

_I'm in love with her_

"You're in love with her," Hanna concludes for her. Eyes wide in shock.

"Holy shit," Spencer whispers.

"Holy shit."

A beat passes before Hanna cracks up laughing so loudly Spencer can't help but join in.

 

* * *

 

By the time the two have managed to calm down, they're pleasantly buzzed laying down on Hanna's hotel room bed, staring up at the ceiling.

"Look, I just want you both to be happy."

"You deserve happiness too, Han."

"And I'll find it," she confidently states, "but you both might have found it already and who am I to judge or stand in your way. Just...don't fuck it up. 'Cause I won't know whose ass I'm supposed to kick."

Spencer grabs the first flight back to Cali.

 

* * *

 

She arrives at the bar she knows Emily's working at. The place is packed and Spencer only just manages to squeeze herself into a stool at the counter that had miraculously just freed up.

As Emily's eyes do another sweep of the bar, prepared to take orders, she freezes as soon as her eyes land on Spencer in the corner.

"Hi," Spencer says with a small smile as Emily approaches her.

"Hi?" Emily answers still confused.

"What time do you get off?"

"In an hour - what are you doing here?"

"I can leave if you want -"

"No!" Emily shouts, drawing the attention of a few patrons. She clears her throat as a blush begins to form on her cheeks. It makes Spencer smile. "Stay," Emily firmly states.

"Okay," Spencer nods.

The hour goes by quickly and Spencer is left wondering if Emily puts on this kind of show every night. She was laughing, dancing, flipping bottles and Spencer was nothing short of mesmerized.

By the time Emily's shift ends, she's made a ridiculous amount of tips and is even given a round of applause as she takes a mock bow. Spencer can't help but blush as hoots and hollers follow them out as people realize she's leaving with Emily. She'd be more embarrassed, if the warmth of Emily's hand on her lower back and the jealous glances of a couple of people, both men and women, weren't also following them out.

"There's a food truck about a block down that's open late and I'm starving," Emily says as they stand on the sidewalk.

"Lead the way."

 

* * *

 

"So, Hanna called me," Emily begins as she and Spencer sit on some outdoor tables and enjoy some craft sandwiches. "We talked, we yelled, we cried, we laughed."

"Not an experience I'm unfamiliar with," Spencer says drily. Emily chuckles. Spencer then takes a deep breath and sets down her sandwich. She straightens up as much as she can before speaking again, "I'm sorry, Emily. You were grieving and I let things get out of hand. I let _us_ get out of hand, get carried away, when I should have known better. I should have done better."

Spencer's not sure if her apology is the best it could be, but it's the words that come to her now. She had written and rewritten apologies on the plane ride over, but felt they all started to look like her speeches for the academic decathlon team back in Rosewood. She just wants to be honest and authentic and she knows Emily will appreciate that over some prepped speech.

"I'm sorry too," Emily says as she sets her food down. "I was in pain and you were there, being you, and I just… You made me feel safe enough to lash out. You didn't deserve that and I'm sorry," Emily finishes.

Spencer understands. It's the reason why, if she goes over her memories from high school, she'll always remember her fights with Emily the most. They had this comfort, to push at each other's soft spots, while she and Aria rarely disagreed and she and Hanna would clash and then cry. But with Emily, there was always a real sense of pain when they fought, because they were comfortable enough to say the things they did. Spencer would always then leave feeling this overwhelming sense of desperation at having Emily be angry or disappointed in her. It's not their most healthy habit, but one they can work on. _Will work on_ , Spencer thinks.

_Spencer's the convincing one._  
_Yeah, but you're the hardest to disappoint._  
_It's about your eyes._

"Apology accepted," Spencer replies.

"Apology accepted," Emily mimics.

"Where does that leave us now?"

"We said we'd work it out," Emily answers with a smile.

"We did."

"And I...didn't entirely dislike everything that happened."

"Wow Em, such a romantic. 'Didn't entirely dislike?' Is that how you get all the girls?" Spencer teases with a shit-eating grin.

"Shut up," Emily rolls her eyes, but the blush is a dead giveaway. "It's not the same thing, alright?"

"No?"

"Of course not, you're not just some girl," Emily says gesturing with her hands.

"Then what am I?" Spencer asks quietly, the humor all but gone from her voice. This isn't a joke anymore and this, _this_ , she needs to know.

_What am I to you?_

"You're...you're Spencer Hastings. You're my best friend. And you're...you're the person I want to spend time with."

"Spend time with?"

_Dinner and a movie. Think there's a word for that. What's it called when two people go out like that?_

_I think they call it, um, a date._

_Yeah, I've heard of that. So you're um, asking me out on a date?_

_Two friends having dinner, going to the movies...No big... Yeah, I'm asking you on a date._

"Date," Emily corrects. "You're the person I want to date."

"Likewise."

"Now who's ruining the mood?" Emily teases.

"Whatever, Fields," Spencer laughs.

And she looks at Emily, who's got some crumbs on her face, who looks exhausted from work, who's only bathed in the crappy light from the food truck. If Spencer were so bold, she'd think that it's the first time in months that Emily has looked...happy. And so Spencer takes a deep breath and realizes that the weight that's been sitting on her chest for all these months is gone.

So she laughs again.

 

* * *

 

They're lying naked in Emily's bed hours later, Spencer on her back while Emily cuddles up to her. Spencer's hand gently playing with Emily's hair.

(It had been awkward and full of nerves, but perfect. Oh so perfect. And this time, Spencer got to stay.)

"Your hair is so pretty. It's unfair," Spencer quietly comments.

"Thanks," Emily sleepily responds as she burrows deeper into the space between Spencer's neck and shoulder and lays a soft kiss there.

"You should show me how to get it like this."

"Okay."

They go quiet after that enjoying just the feeling of being in each other's arms, before Emily speaks again.

"Spence?"

"Mmm?"

"What do we do now?"

And a million things rush through Spencer's mind and maybe it's the post-sex haze, but she spills quite a few of them in that moment.

"Come to D.C. with me. We'll get a place together. You can get a job there, at a coffee shop or bartending if that's something you still want to do, or maybe you could go back to studying. It could be at a community college or even night classes, that - it doesn't matter. Not really. Not to me, anyway. You should tell your mom the truth about school, though. I mean you'll have to if you move back east with me, but still. You should talk to her and I can be there with you, or not, however you want. Just...whatever it is, just...just come with me and we'll figure it out. Together."

A beat passes.

"I meant about food. I'm hungry again and there's nothing to eat here."

Spencer briefly tenses before she feels Emily begin to shake with quiet laughter. So she relaxes and joins in. "Fuck you," she says still chuckling.

"Are you sure?" Emily asks, as their laughter dies down. "I get that you're new to being into girls and all, and well the guide you read probably talks all about how lesbians love to U-Haul, but still. You don't always have to be such an overachiever, Spence."

"Shut up," Spencer says as she pushes Emily onto her back and the two giggle.

Spencer straddles Emily and hovers over her, reaching to pull her arms above her head and hold them there in place. Emily lets her. They exchange a few kisses, before Spencer speaks again.

"I want you."

"I want you too," Emily answers.

"I want to be happy," Spencer confesses.

"Me too," Emily answers and Spencer can see the truth of those words in her eyes.

"Then let's - let's do that. Fuck the rules or public perception. I want you, Emily Fields, in my bed every night."

"Again with the overachieving, huh?" Emily playfully teases as she flips Spencer over onto her back and hovers over her instead.

"I can handle it. I can handle you," Spencer says, love and lust warming her entire body in that moment.

"Yeah?" Emily asks, as she lowers her lips just out of reach of Spencer's.

"Yeah."

"Prove it."

Spencer flips her over again.

 

* * *

 

Emily moves to D.C. a few weeks later. The two get a new, bigger apartment together.

(Emily had called her mother and told her everything. It hadn't been easy, with Pam feeling like it was her fault that Emily had been struggling. Feeling guilty that she had let her own grief consume her and hadn't been there enough for her daughter. Emily had cried as she shut down all of those notions.

_Emily, I still don't understand, but I love you. You are my child and nobody hurts my child. I'm so sorry if I -_

Pam comes over on their second day in the new apartment to help with the moving and give unwanted decoration suggestions. Emily loves every second of it, even though she pretends not to, and Spencer's face ends up hurting from all of her own smiling.)

Their first week there Hanna sends them the ugliest vase either of them has ever seen. They're pretty sure she's trolling them, but the two proudly display it on their kitchen table and send her plenty of snaps and even tag her on a Facebook post about it.

Aria likes their Facebook post.

_How do you feel about your family? In a general sense._  
_I'd do anything for them._  
_Yes, but out of a sense of duty or out of a sense of love?_  
_I don't...I don't understand the question, doctor._  
_Well, duty implies that you're doing it because you think it's what you're supposed to do. Love implies that you're doing it because you want to._  
_Can it be both?_  
_And what about your friends, Spencer? How do you feel about them?  
_ _They're everything to me._

Two weeks into living together, Caleb shows up. They go out for drinks and have a nice time. Emily isn't dumb enough to not see how Caleb's eyes track Spencer's every move, though. Spencer isn't dumb enough to not notice both.

Once they reach the apartment though, they conclude that it's too late for Caleb to head back to his hotel. They offer him the guest room.

"Guest room?" He asks.

There are only two rooms.

Emily's already in one turning in for the night.

"Yes," Spencer states.

"So, you and Em?"

"Yes. Caleb, I'm sorry. I didn't -" And she doesn't know where to go from there. Because she's not sorry she and Emily are together, but Caleb is still her friend. And in another world, if things had turned out differently, maybe she and him - but it's not, it's not another world. And there is no she and him.

"No, no, it's okay. You don't need to apologize, it's not," He takes a deep breath as he looks around the apartment, "You don't owe me anything, Spencer," he concludes in his gravelly voice.

"I know. But you're still my friend."

Spencer pretends she doesn't see the hurt in his eyes, one that's so familiar to the one in Hanna's eyes back in Paris.

"Of course," he says, a small painful smile on his face.

 

* * *

 

"Caleb?" Emily whispers into the dark as they lay in bed together.

"Is just a friend."

"I used to be just your friend."

"That was before."

"Before what?"

And Spencer knows, _knows_ they've gone about this in all the wrong ways. That they've fucked up the order and are now left with all these important relationship-defining moments scattered in the oddest of places. Because, what's odder than declaring your love for someone _after_ you've already moved in with them? Still, Spencer can't help but being charmed at the idea that this order is all theirs and theirs alone. It's unique.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Be my girlfriend?"

"And here I thought we'd already established that through moving in together," Emily drily states.

"I want it in writing."

"Shut up," Emily says with a laugh as she turns in Spencer's arms to kiss her.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Caleb's already gone.

 

* * *

 

It's a few days later, as Spencer sits at their counter going over emails that she decides to check on Facebook and realizes something. Emily chooses that moment to walk over to her and push her hair aside in order to lay soft kisses from her shoulder up to her neck.

"Facebook official?" Spencer asks.

"Let me call my mom," Emily answers.

A beat.

"And Toby."

 

* * *

 

It's a long conversation and Spencer is sure that she sees tears in Emily's eyes at one point. It must be hard, she knows. Even that brief conversation with Hanna back in France had probably elevated Spencer's blood pressure to an unhealthy degree. So she can imagine that it's not easy for Emily to talk to one of her best friends about dating his ex-girlfriend, who happens to be one of her best friends too.

"I don't want you to think or feel like -"

"Like you stole my girl?"

Emily sighs and closes her eyes.

"Like when she stole me from you?" Toby asks.

"That wasn't like that," Emily quickly corrects. Because yeah, once upon a time she seriously entertained the idea of her and Toby, had held onto him as hope for something that wasn't meant to be, because it wasn't her. It had been hard to let him go, to give Spencer the go ahead, not because of some perceived romantic feelings, but because he was her last safety net regarding her sexuality. And then he became her biggest motivator in moving forward.

"I know," Toby says. And Emily almost swears she can hear his smile across the phone. "That was my point. I guess things have really come full circle, haven't they?"

"They have," Emily exhales in relief. They're okay. They will be okay. "They really have."

 

* * *

 

"I'm dating Emily."

The silence that follows is deafening.

"Okay," Veronica sighs.

"Okay?" Spencer asks skeptically.

"Yes, but the two of you are meeting me and your father for brunch later this month, understood?"

"Yes, ma'am."

 

* * *

 

Twenty minutes later she receives a text from Melissa.

**Melissa**

Congrats. Mom and I agree, seems like you finally found some taste. [3:12 PM]

_Cute outfit. Are you wearing it for Emily?_

 

* * *

 

"Is it supposed to be this simple?" Emily asks as they lay feet tangled on the couch celebrating 6 months of living together, of being together, by eating Chinese take-out and watching a swimming documentary on Netflix.

"Nothing about this has been simple," Spencer scoffs goodnaturedly.

"You know what I mean," Emily rolls her eyes in a manner Spencer can only describe as fondly.

"I want this. Do you?"

"Yes," Emily rolls her eyes again, a smile threatening to overtake her face.

"Then that's all we need," Spencer confirms as she reaches forward to try and steal some of Emily's food.

"Hey!" Emily complains as she pulls it just out of reach of her. She then laughs as Spencer sets down her own food and climbs all over Emily and kisses her with food still in her mouth.

"You're so gross," Emily complains, still laughing, as Spencer triumphantly raises Emily's stolen take-out box.

"Eh, well, you're the one that's stuck with me."

"Guess, I am."

They goofily smile at each other and Spencer wouldn't want it any other way.

 

* * *

 

"You know, he's everything I could have ever wanted for her. He's rich, he's foreign, he's handsome, and he works in an adjacent field, meaning he understands the commitment needed."

"But?" Spencer asks.

"But," Mona simply replies, nodding.

Spencer nods at the unspoken answer, unsure if she's caught the right meaning, you never really know with Mona Vanderwaal. Spencer goes back to sipping her champagne. She had been standing by the bar, after excusing herself for a small break from Hanna's engagement party, before she was joined by Mona.

It's not that she doesn't want to be here, because she does. But they flew into Miami for this and talking to a bunch of New York fashion people and Australians with thick, almost incomprehensible accents, can get a bit tiring after a few hours.

"You know, Hanna called me back when you and Emily first got together," Mona comments out of the blue.

"Oh?"

"She was all worried about the two of you," Mona leans in to continue, "Truthfully, I think she was a bit jealous," her voice lowered conspiratorially towards the end of her statement. As if she was revealing some big secret to Spencer.

"Jealous?" Spencer asks confused.

"Mhmm. Who wouldn't want to fall in love and end up with their best friend?" There's a certain level of bite to Mona's question, as if she's not actually talking about Spencer and Emily any more.

"Right," Spencer answers trying to find the best way out of this conversation short of just diving right behind the bar.

(She'd do it, but there's no guarantee that Mona wouldn't follow her there. Plus, Emily would be disappointed. She's got this major hang-up about patrons trying to get behind the bar. Spencer sighs, resigned to this conversation. Or rather, contemplating other escape plans.)

"Anyway, she's not the blonde you should be worried about anymore. Hanna seems peachy keen with Jordan."

"What?" Spencer asks, turning to look at Mona. The other woman, however, has her eyes laser focused across the room.

Spencer turns to see what she sees and her breath catches in her throat, as she sees Alison and Emily leaning together over the back of a couch in order to talk to a sitting Hanna on the couch. Alison's hand rested casually on Emily's shoulder.

And as if by some damn spidey-sense that alerts her to whenever someone in the room is talking about her, Alison stands up straight and looks over directly to Spencer and Mona.

"Excuse me," Spencer says as she ducks into the nearby hallway to head into the bathroom.

 

* * *

 

Spencer isn't surprised when a few minutes later the door to the bathroom opens and in walks Alison.

Spencer glances at her through the mirror, before turning to continue looking at herself.

"I'm seeing someone," and Spencer wonders if Alison will always have this power over her. This _thing_ that allows her to just effortlessly read and know what Spencer is thinking. She hated it when she was 12 and she fucking loathes it at 22.

"Who?" Spencer asks and she hates how hoarse her voice sounds, how it makes her feel weak in comparison to Alison's crystal clear enunciation.

"I...can't say."

"Is he married?"

"No," Alison answers, and to her credit she doesn't react at Spencer's attempted dig.

"Why are you doing this?" Spencer asks, exhausted already by this tension between them.

"I thought you should know."

"Does Emily know?" Spencer asks.

(And she wonders if Emily knows Alison is unavailable, if Emily would hide that information from Spencer.

_It's always the same with you two, isn't it?_

Except.

She knows this Emily would never do that. Spencer knows she's just being paranoid and hates herself for letting something she promised she wouldn't let get to her, _get to her_ : an email. Two weeks ago. From Paige McCullers. Emily had immediately told her about it, had let her read it, had let her read her response to Paige even. All it was was a catch-up email, full of _how are you_ 's and _hope things are going well for you_. Spencer hates that it's still making her feel this way.)

"No. But that doesn't change anything."

"I'm not sure if I agree with that statement," Spencer says as she looks down at the sink, hands still pressed against the counter.

"She loves you, Spencer. And you would have to be blind, deaf, and stupid to not see it. And last I checked, you weren't any of those things." Alison exhales, frustration starting to set into her body language, "Look, whatever Mona said to you-"

"She said people might be jealous of the fact that I'm dating my best friend." Spencer pointedly looks at Alison again through the mirror.

"Projecting, much?" Alison mutters. "Look, knowing Mona she could just be putting up some fake emotional front. She's just trying to fuck with you, Spencer. Why are you letting her?"

"I'm not letting her," Spencer angrily responds as she finally turns to face Alison. "She just crawls in under my skin. Kind of like you do."

"I'm here to support Hanna. I'm here because I miraculously got invited and I wanted to see you and Aria, even though she's not here - "

"And Emily," Spencer cuts her off before she can change the subject.

"And Emily, yes, because she's my friend," Alison stresses.

"And because she means something to you," Spencer pushes. Because if she's ever going to get over all of this mess, she needs to have it all laid out there, bare for her to see. Even the bits and pieces she's afraid of having confirmed.

"You all do, Spencer."

"It's not the same with her though, and you know it. Don't try to to gaslight me. She meant something more to you when were in high school, didn't she?"

"I'm not trying to do anything other than be honest here, Spencer."

"Then be honest, Alison. Please," Spencer pleads and she hates that she does, but if this is what it takes, then so be it.

Alison pauses. She goes quiet, as she seems to be genuinely trying to form the honest answer here. For most people, the truth just spills out easier than lies. Spencer knows it's not the same for Alison. That her taking her time to speak, isn't her trying to come up with something, but rather it's her trying to say the truth.

"I don't think I was really capable of loving anybody when we were kids," she finally quietly states. "But if I could have? If I could have chosen to love somebody? I would have chosen her." Spencer feels her breath catch. "And then I would have broken her," Alison admits. The pain clear in her eyes at facing the truth about who she was.

"And now?"

"And now I'm happy with someone else and so is she," Alison answers with a faint smile. "She's my friend and nothing more. I swear to you, Spencer. I'm not trying to do anything here."

Spencer goes quiet as she leans against the counter, contemplating this rare moment of honesty between her and Alison.

"And honestly?" Alison continues, "You should give Emily a little bit more credit than to think she's just some weak, easily manipulated girl that I could just whisk away at the snap of my fingers if I wanted to. Because I don't. And she isn't."

"No, the only easily manipulated person in this room is me," Spencer says with a humorless chuckle. Because she knows it, knows she just got played by Mona for whatever shits and giggles that get the other girl off. Or whatever projecting she chose to impose on Spencer and which Spencer was easily affected by.

Spencer doesn't know which one bothers her more.

"I'm sorry, Spencer," Alison sincerely states.

"Me too."

"Do you...think we'll ever be able to be actual friends some day?" Alison quietly asks, vulnerable by choice this time.

"Give me time," Spencer answers honestly.

Alison just nods before she leaves the bathroom.

 

* * *

 

"Hey," Emily says as she enters the bathroom a little while later.

"Hey," Spencer answer back from her place sitting on the counter, legs dangling off.

"I was waiting for you to come out. I wanted to give you some space, but then it was taking you forever so. Sorry."

"You have nothing to apologize for," Spencer says as she finally looks at Emily still standing by the door. Still giving her the time and space to process this mess in her head, not even a little bit bothered by the fact that Spencer went missing from the party for so long. Spencer aches at how lucky she is to be with someone as understanding as Emily, she feels guilty for having this mini-breakdown in the middle of the party, and at her very core she aches at how beautiful Emily looks in her black dress and heels.

"Neither do you," Emily whispers as she finally steps forward.

Spencer closes her eyes. "Did Alison talk to you?"

"She didn't have to. I know you, Spencer Hastings. I know that when you climb up into your own mind that sometimes you can't figure out how to get back down."

Spencer opens her eyes and sees Emily now standing directly in front of her. "This isn't the rope in gym class or the tree in Aria's backyard."

"Yeah well, I'm not good with analogies. I'm a college dropout, sue me."

"Em," Spencer quietly reprimands. She hates jokes about Emily's education. Will fight anyone who makes a crack about it or thinks they're somehow superior because of the school they go to. They don't know. They don't know that Emily is smart and kind and strong and brave. They don't know what she's survived. They don't know that she might have dropped out, but that she's working hard to earn enough money to start paying for classes on her own. They don't know of the major fights and discussions that led to their compromise, where the Hastings pay for their place while Emily works toward paying for her education, correcting her own mistakes. They don't know just how hard Emily has worked to forgive herself.

"I was joking," Emily says with a soft smile that let's Spencer know that she's thankful for Spencer defending her, even if it is against herself, but that it isn't needed. Emily has always been able to fight her own battles. It's something Spencer loves about this Emily, even if it sometimes clashes with her own need to protect.

_I'm not some helpless little lamb._  
_I know that, but you're my friend and I didn't want her to get away with it._  
_Well, I can stand up for myself._  
_Well, you never did with Alison._

"I think…" Spencer finally says, "...that you could have anyone in the world."

Emily slowly walks forward, forcing Spencer to open her legs so that she can stand in between them. Emily takes a hold of her hands and rests them over Spencer's thighs. "Well then, I choose you," she says.

"You sure?" Spencer swallows and blinks back the tears she feels forming. "Customer service is going to be really bummed if I get returned again."

Emily doesn't answer, just leans in and places a tender kiss on Spencer's lips.

"Stop being an idiot," Emily whispers as she pulls back, her hands squeezing Spencer's. "I love you. You make me the happiest I've ever been in my life and I'm trying to do the same for you," Emily says, the emotion clear in her voice now.

"You do," Spencer answers, a lone tear escaping her eyes.

"Then why are we in a bathroom crying?" Emily asks as she herself blinks and lets her tears slowly fall.

"Because I love you so much that it scares me to think I might lose you. And that it wouldn't be due to **-A** this time. It would be all me, all because of my own personal failures and hang-ups," Spencer confesses. Because it's true, because jumping into this with Emily came with the explicit caveat that if things between them didn't work out, it would be because of them. Because there is no **-A** anymore to meddle and break and gleefully destroy. It's just them. And it would mean that their love wasn't enough. And as it stands, it's Spencer who's been feeling like she's not enough.

"Spencer, if anyone has taught me that from failures we can rise again, it's you," Emily swallows back her tears. "And this moment here isn't a failure, Spencer. And that moment a couple of weeks ago? It wasn't a failure either. Jealousy, insecurity, these things are bound to happen because we're human. But we get through them because we have each other."

"Together, huh?" Spencer asks, a watery smile starting to form on her face.

"Together," Emily confirms. "I want you in my life, Spencer Hastings. I picture my future and it's you that I see there by my side. So please tell me that you see the same thing," Emily's voice cracks as she pleads with Spencer.

Spencer can't help but think of that moment with Toby. The déjà vu of it all.

_I feel like, when we're picturing our future together, we're not looking at the same picture anymore._

Except.

This time Spencer is looking at the same goddamn picture.

"I do. We _are_ seeing the same thing."

"Good," Emily exhales in relief as she leans forward to crash her lips against Spencer's. Spencer can't help but moan as she feels Emily's hands move to cup her neck.

"We're okay," Spencer affirms in between desperate kisses, as Emily has her pretty much pressed against the bathroom mirror.

"Yeah, as soon as I punch Mona in the face," Emily responds as she starts to pull back.

"Or you could just stay here with me," Spencer says as she pulls her back in.

 

* * *

 

They don't exit the bathroom for another 40 minutes.

Hanna raises her eyebrows at them with a smirk on her face.

Alison stands in the corner, back turned to them, as she takes a phone call.

And if a server accidentally spills his drink on Mona's shoes, well. Service workers stick together.

 

* * *

 

_I know you're coming back to Rosewood to speak to the court about Charlotte being released. I'm asking for five minutes with you. Five minutes to explain. Five minutes that can change the whole world. Spencer, Aria, Hanna, Emily. I need you. Please._

_All my love,_

_Alison._

When the letter comes a year later, Spencer and Emily spend two days walking around tense. Going back to Rosewood, going back for _this_. It's not how Spencer pictured their return.

_How do you feel about your family? In a general sense._  
_I'd do anything for them._  
_Yes, but out of a sense of duty or out of a sense of love?_  
_I don't...I don't understand the question, doctor._  
_Well, duty implies that you're doing it because you think it's what you're supposed to do. Love implies that you're doing it because you want to.  
_ _Can it be both?  
_ _And what about your friends, Spencer? How do you feel about them?  
_ _They're everything to me._

Spencer thinks about the ring she's been saving money for, the one she opened up a secret bank account for.

_Well, what were they fighting about?_

_Emily_

"Come to bed, Spencer," Emily says, standing at their bedroom door as Spencer stands by the kitchen counter, re-reading the letter.

"I love you," Spencer can't help but say.

"I love you too," Emily answers.

And Spencer doesn't doubt it.

She heads to bed.

 

* * *

 

_I am on your side here._

_I know._


End file.
